Cavernous Chaos

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” – Bob Marley

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a Cavernous Malformation on the lower right pons of the brainstem. I recently joined the ‘Angioma Alliance‘ group to learn more about this condition and others experience. I have never posted anything about this publicly but now I feel ready to open up and share my experience to hopefully help and learn from others.

It was January of 2016 when I realized the new year was bringing an unwanted change to my health. I was experiencing frequent headaches which were somewhat alarming to me because I had never gotten headaches in the past and medication didn’t seem to take it away. However, I thought maybe it was hormonal as it was around ‘that time’ of the month.

What started as a slight headache had progressively grown worse and I would wake up crying a few nights in a row as the pain was so bad. In the morning I would wake up hopeful that it was gone, and then be severely disappointed when I got out of bed to realize it was still there. My ears were very sensitive due to the migraine, even the shower/fan in the bathroom seemed so loud. I was miserable. One day at work the headache became a sudden excruciating migraine, but I continued to work through it.

In February 2016 the muscle spasms began. At first, I thought anxiety, or maybe I overexerted myself during exercise. I went to Dr. Google and became more anxious as I re-learned all the signs and symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. I had learned about MS in college and I was always worried I would have it because I ‘fit the profile.’ So by now I was convinced that I had MS.

Next, I began to notice some weakness on my left side. I particularly noticed the left forearm when I went to dump a pot of spaghetti into the strainer and I was too weak to hold the pot. Eventually, I could hardly lift my left arm above my shoulder without the feeling that something was ‘pulling’ it back down. This made it difficult to wash my hair in the shower or style it. I thought maybe I did some damage to my shoulder. I was also experiencing severe neck pain so I associated the weakness with a ‘pinched nerve.’

Finally, one morning I got up to get ready for work. I felt very nauseous. Got into the shower and my left arm was weaker which scared me. I felt sick so I hurried up and got out of the shower. I sat on the toilet because I didn’t know how I was going to be sick, and all of the sudden felt I was going to lose consciousness. I called my boss from the bathroom and told her I was not going to make it to work. I stayed at my boyfriends house at the time while he went to work. I felt better as I slept but when I got up I noticed my smile was asymmetrical. I took pictures to send to my bf and he agreed, it was subtle but there was obviously something going on.

I was so nervous and terrified at this point I wanted him to come home and take me to the ER. By the time he had gotten home I was ready to walk out the door when he told his family where we were going. His mom somehow calmed me down and convinced me not to go to the ER. I called my PCP’s office for advice/referral to neurology and was told to make an appointment. That night I woke up with severe “spasms” in my left leg- mainly the hamstrings and left arm. The spasms felt like giant contractions that lasted too long and were uncontrollable. I immediately sprung out of bed and tried walking around but could barely move my legs. At the time I was living with my brother and he was thankfully home from working the night shift. I ended up in the ER by 1 am. My muscles were going crazy- only on the left side. My BP was elevated. They drew labs and that was it. I was told that I had low potassium (hypokalemia). They gave me some potassium to drink, which tasted awful. Gave me some pain medicine for the headache, some zofran for nausea, and I believe benadryl. I left the hospital around 3:30 a.m. with D/C papers to follow up with PCP and Neurologist. I somehow woke up for work although the combination of drugs still hadn’t worn off and it was hard to keep my eyes open. I felt like I was in a daze on my way to work and it was very hard to stay awake that entire morning.

After finally finding a neurologist that could see me in weeks versus months, I explained my symptoms, he performed a small neuro exam to test my strength and he agreed that the left side was weaker. I was told all of those symptoms were the result of a “complex migraine.” An EEG was ordered which came back normal. I was not satisfied with the answers I received. I know my body and I was certain that something was not right. Finally, the Neurologist ordered an MRI to ‘put my mind at ease.’

By March I went in for the MRI and they gave me a CD before I left. I took it home, opened it on my computer, and I had no idea what I was looking at but I saw a white circle in my brain that I was sure was not supposed to be there. I thought I had MS. The whole weekend I was so full of anxiety. Finally, I get a call while at work. “This is your doctors office. He would like to see you as soon as possible. Please give us a call back and do not take any aspirin.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Cue panic attack.

I immediately called and they wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. Finally, I was sitting in a room when the doctor walks in. He says “Why is your brain bleeding?” I had no idea what to even say. He was so upbeat about the whole thing. Said he never suspected a brain bleed as I was walking and talking just fine. I was surprisingly relieved and asked- “so I don’t have MS?” He assured me that I did not, but I was trading one difficult diagnosis for another. He referred me to a neurosurgeon, who then referred me again to a surgeon who specializes in cavernous malformations.

I could not believe what I was going through. I never expected for anything to actually come of this. Nothing ever did before. A few years prior, I had similar problems, seen a neurologist, had an MRI which came back normal and was told to follow up with PCP. All of my symptoms were relayed to ‘generalized anxiety’ which I was prescribed medication for, but I am not one to take medicine so I decided that this was something I could conquer without meds. In a way, I was relieved to have a diagnosis that explained my symptoms and to know that it wasn’t all in my head. No pun intended.

So anyway, sitting in my Neurosurgeon’s office I began to cry my eyes out as he told me about the possibility of surgery and the associated risks. Due to the location, the surgery would be a high risk and not an option at this time. If surgery is ever an option the one thing he was confident that would happen would be losing my hearing on the right side, as he would have to drill through my Eustachian tube. Other complications could be blurred or double vision, facial weakness, and the worst possible outcome- a feeding tube as I could lose my ability to swallow. Oh, and death. Taking it all in- in disbelief, I could not maintain my composure. Hearing this at just 24 years old was life-changing.

More tests were ordered to verify that it was indeed a cavernoma. First, another MRI with contrast. Second, CT scan of the brain, which makes you feel like you’re peeing yourself. Finally, a cerebral angiogram where they puncture a catheter through your groin (or wrist) and check out the blood vessels. This one was fun. I got some drugs, had them play reggae music and drifted into a twilight. I was aware but there was no pain. I felt peaceful, actually. Once he finished and they were about to take me back to my room in the hospital for observation and he said “there’s your brain,” pointing to a giant white screen with my brain all lit up, and I stared at it in awe. It was actually quite beautiful to see.

So it was finally confirmed in April of 2016. Cavernous malformation of the brainstem, right pons. No AVM, no fistula, no anuerysm. Just a low flow cluster of capillaries that didn’t form properly and one day decided they were going to let a little blood leak out and see what happens.

I had a second opinion at U of M who also confirmed that I am not a candidate for surgery at this time because: 1) size. They would like a bigger challenge. No, the real reason is that it’s too deep in the brain. If it were bigger it would be easier to access. It’s not worth the risk to pull it out unless it grows or bleeds again and causes symptoms. 2) location. Again, it is right on the brainstem deep down in the brain. Even an experienced surgeon admits that scares him and he wants nothing to do with it if he can avoid it because there is a 50% chance of having some complication whether it is minor or major due to its location and all the brain they’d have to go through to get to it. 3) Asymptomatic. They cannot make me better than I already am. Although I have minor symptoms, they are not significant enough to consider surgery right now as my quality of life is still good.

So now I live with the anxiety of another bleed or this thing growing over time. It is known that if your cavernoma bleeds once, it is likely to bleed again. I do believe the chances of a recurrent bleed decrease significantly after two-five years from the first one. But there is really no certainty on this, and that is what kills me- the uncertainty about cavernomas in general!

I wake up almost every day and look at my smile in the mirror. Not to start the day positively with a smile. But to make sure it is still symmetrical. If I go out and have a few alcoholic beverages I get anxiety that I will wake up with another bleed and feel guilty about drinking. I worry constantly about the possible effects this cavernoma could have on my physical appearance/ability to do things independently/cognitive function/life in general. It is a tough diagnosis to live with. I have had many dark days, but try to keep them mostly bright.

As I end this post after waiting to publish it post ‘annual follow-up’, I was hoping to share good news. There was some. The brainstem cavernoma has not grown since it was discovered and there was no evidence of a recurrent bleed! The bad news- there was a new finding. I now have one on the left temporal lobe and have to watch out for aggression, speech and memory problems, and right-sided symptoms such as numbness and tingling, etc. This means I likely carry the gene and could develop many more. I will now go see Dr. Awad at the University of Chicago to establish myself with an experienced, highly rated neurosurgeon- just to be prepared.

As I continue to read other people’s stories in the Angioma Alliance group they give me hope. Most people go through a rough time at first but the story doesn’t end there. Most are uplifting success stories. The ones I’ve read about going through with surgery have shown me strength that one could only understand being in a similar situation. It’s all about mindset. Maintaining a positive mind will lead to a positive life. There’s no doubt about that. “What you think, you become.” – Buddha.

To be continued…. (or not, hoping this new finding and the original finding cause no more issues and nothing more is discovered so I can move on with my life and never look back).


Letting go…

What do you do when your thoughts contradict each other?
When your heart says one thing, but you head says the other
Long-term relationships but still no lover
Am I wrong thinking there could be another?
Broken hearts as a result of this ambivalent war
What’s the reason for wanting more?
I had all in one: Mind, Body, and Soul
But there was an emptiness, no one could console
Intellectually stimulating, spiritual depth, emotional connection
But the fire was dim.
Could it be-
this was all caused from within?

Years of uncertainty coming from each other
One more willing to fight than the other.
Maybe I was wrong (It’s true the mind only wants what it had once it’s gone)
Searching for a soulmate only to find
That what I was looking for, I had the whole time.
Why is it that we realize things only when it’s too late?
It is only for so long one is willing to wait
Not knowing ‘if’ or when I’ll ever be ready
Gave the impression that I’ll always be unsteady
Knowing that it’s unfair to live in wonder
I decided to let everything go under.

I have hope that in time, you and me will wake up to see
All of this was meant to be.
Until that day comes
Live your life free
Be a success – and don’t worry about me
Because at the end of the day we may both look back and say:
Had I never known you as my significant other
I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Music on a different level.

I love every song I’ve encountered by Nahko and Medicine for the people, but I recently discovered these two and I’m even more in love!! Enjoy~



Other good songs by them:

Budding Trees

Black as Night

I Mua

7 Feathers

Wash it Away

Fix it



The Implications of Gravity in Spacetime

The theories in which modern science rest heavily upon were presented hundreds of years ago by the scientists we have grown to learn about and love. Their theories have yet to be disproved, and that is why those theories are the platform on which modern science now rests. It is a strong platform, but as it ages, we must fill in the cracks. That’s where we are at in this day and age, filling in the cracks of an old foundation. Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe, yet it is a very weak force. The series of posts I am about to share rely heavily on our concept of Gravity, so it’s important to get the basics down first.

We will start with Galileo. In a uniform gravitational field, Galileo believed that all Galileoobjects fall identically-irrespective to their mass. To prove his theory, he climbed up the Leaning Tower of Pisa where he dropped various masses. In doing so, he proved that when an object is in free fall, it will not experience a force in relation to it’s mass and that all objects, regardless of their mass will move in the same direction, at the same time. Think of an elevator- your head and shoes will “fall” at the same time, even though your head is heavier than your shoes. Galileo gave us the understanding of inertia; where an object that is set into motion stays in motion until it is acted upon by some external force.

Aristotle believed that the Earth did not move because if you threw a ball straight up in the air it would come straight back down, instead of going to the left/right etc. Galileo argued this idea giving an example of the cabin of a ship. Inside the cabin, if there are no windows, there is no way to tell if the ship is moving or not. Galileo concluded that the laws of physics are identical in all Galilean (intertial) reference frames, providing us with our first encounter with relativity.


Next, Sir Isaac Newton comes along to explain the force that acts upon all objects. Newton’s first law of motion is essentially Galileo’s concept of intertia. The second law of motion tells us that the force needed to act upon an object depends on it’s mass and acceleration. If you have a large mass with a large acceleration, you will need a large force to act upon it and so on. Finally, Newton’s third law of motion state’s that for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction.

Newton’s laws gave us a better understanding of the physical world around us. Einstein decided to apply his idea’s to the entire universe. On November 25th, 1915 Einstein
published his Theory of Special Relativity. This theory has Einsteinprovided us a profound understanding of our universe, and much of what we know has been found using Einstein’s theories. Special Relativity tells us that the speed of light is the same in all constantly moving frames and that Time slows down the faster you travel and vice versa.

To better understand the idea of special relativity, I will provide an analogy from the book “Hyperspace” by Michio Kaku: Continue reading “The Implications of Gravity in Spacetime”


Desire runs deep, betrayal runs deeper.

“When we seek the gaze of another it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person we have become. It isn’t so much that we are looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self.” -Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved (Ted Talks, download the app if you don’t already have it)!!

WOW! My mind has been a complete tangled up mess the past couple of months. I have a few posts saved in my drafts that I never actually published because they were very personal, and too depressing. So much has happened I just needed a place to put my thoughts so I wouldn’t go insane. Things are starting to sort themselves out, now that there are no more secrets.

All I have to say is.. infidelity is one area you never want to find yourself in. It’s like a run-down neighborhood. It just looks sketchy from the outside, but once you put yourself in that town.. it all goes downhill from there. Luckily, there is an exit sign nearby and you just have to run as fast as you can to get to it. Although it may seem like you are running as fast as you can and you are getting absolutely nowhere, soon enough you will be so far from that town, and you will never have to look back.

Infidelity is a very controversial topic. Now days, people have so much pride that they convince themselves they don’t have to be part of that relationship once the going gets tough. They don’t have to feel the emotional pain of being hurt. This is the era where we feel that we deserve to be happy, which can be a problem on both sides of that deceptive looking fence.

For the deceiver (aka the cheater), most people assume they had some evil agenda and that they don’t give a shit about hurting the other person. But, contrary to what you may believe.. that is hardly the case. At least not in this situation, and I now believe that is not the case in many situations. There are many reasons people stray- and that reason mostly comes down to desire. It could be they are seeking desire for attention, affection, to bring back a feeling that they thought was no longer there.. that they thought they’d never feel again, to feel important, desire for mystery, novelty, excitement.. the list goes on.

I’m not saying these “reasons” make it okay to cheat. I’m saying, before you go and completely cut someone out of your life, maybe you should try to understand why they did it.. and then decide whether you want to go on hating them, or perhaps turn a crisis into an opportunity.

The deceived- the truth is, no matter what your (ex) lover tells you, you will not believe a word they say. You want to think the worst, you want to hate them because they threatened your entire sense of trust, they threatened your emotional security. Nothing they say will make it better because you absolutely cannot fathom how someone could do this to someone they love. It is simply unforgivable, and often it is left at that.

But this does no good- for either party. Because the truth is, the “deceiver” may not have had the intention of cheating. They may not have even been looking. But for some reason, the predator and prey come face to face. From there, things go the way neither of them had planned. This leaves the unfaithful one with immense feelings of guilt, anxiety, depression, confusion, apathy, and worst of all- fear.

On the other side of the fence is their loved one. They find out what happens and immediately they are crushed. They react with anger, hostility, hatred, and also with fear. They lash out, they think they must hurt the other person so that the other person can feel what they are feeling, so that they know the pain they have caused. But all they are doing is opening up old wounds, while inflicting more pain on themselves.

Both people suffer. It is a death by a thousand cuts. The deceiver swears they will never make this mistake again. Because they never want to feel, or for anyone else to feel this pain. This one incident will now haunt them for the rest of their lives. For the deceiver- they will feel they can never love again, because they simply don’t deserve to be loved. They deserve every bad thing that comes their way. They feel they deserve no respect or even have to right to demand respect. If they ever did love again, how would this one mistake affect their future relationship? The past will now always interfere.

On the bright side, for the one who was deceived.. they will be able to learn, and grow. They will be able to love again. It may be hard at first but it is possible. Their past won’t interfere with their future in such a negative way. Yes, they may have trust issues.. but they won’t have to feel the burden of being the one who ripped the trust away in the first place.

The unfaithful one, they were unfaithful once.. that doesn’t mean they are going to do it again. They crossed a line that they never intended to cross, and they feel completely and utterly sorry. They feel terrible all on their own without the help of outsiders making sure they feel terrible. They know what they did was wrong. They know that it was the worst mistake they could’ve ever made, but it happened.. and as much as they want to take it back, they can’t.

To the deceiver: The most important thing about it all is that you learned from it. That you make a commitment to yourself to never let it happen again. Because now you no, no matter how right it may feel at the time, it is not worth it. Not at all. Now it is time to accept that the damage has been done, and now you must do everything you possibly can to fix it.

You must realize, it’s not too late for you. You can make a change. You can remind yourself of your morals and values once more.. and tell yourself, this time you are not going to break them, you can only strengthen them. Not for your significant other, not for your family, or their family, or any of your friends.. but for yourself.

Step away from the people who are constantly trying to bring you down because you made one mistake that you know you are sorry for. You are feeling low enough, you don’t need that extra negativity to bring you down further. Surround yourself with those who continue to support you in this confusing, awful time.. those who give you unconditional love. It’s okay for them to admit what you did was wrong, and you didn’t make a good decision, but it’s important that they remember who you always have been, and always will be regardless of that rough patch in your life.

Most importantly, remember that you are capable of resiliency. You’ve gone through so much in your life, what’s one more obstacle? You’ve made achievements, you’ve been successful at some point in life. You are capable of loving again. We are all capable of love. We all deserve a fresh start.. “A world without love is a deadly place” – Helen Fisher.

One last quote:

“The hardest task one can have is to continue to love one’s fellows despite all reasons he should not. And the true sign of sanity and greatness is to so continue. For the one who can achieve this, there is abundant hope. For those who cannot, there is only sorrow, hatred and despair. And these are not the things of which greatness, or sanity or happiness are made. A primary trap is to succumb to invitations to hate…

When cruelty in the name of discipline dominates a race, that race has been taught to hate. And that race is doomed. The real lesson is to learn to love” – L. Hubbard

A note to the one who was deceived: You should know, your project hasn’t failed. You have changed the life of another without even realizing how much of an impact you hold on them. They will never forget you. The lessons you taught were a blessing. The most important one was looking past the external pressures of society and finding the beauty within each and every thing. Your drive, intelligence, and understanding are your most admirable traits, and anyone would be lucky to have you.



Alright interviews! I’m ready for ya. Companies can start calling my phone aaaannnyyyy time now.The hardest part about moving to a new town and not knowing anyone is finding a decent job, or better yet.. a career. When I came to college years ago it took me my entire freshman year to find a job. I tried and tried, but 1) I wasn’t even 18 yet and 2) everywhere I applied required “experience.” Such an ugly word- experience. Fast forward 6 years to college graduation, working a part time job to get experience, and finally making the ultimate decision to take a leap of faith and leave everything I knew behind for something new, something I had hoped would bring more opportunity. And here I sit, typing on this keyboard, just passing time until something comes along. I haven’t lost faith yet. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m just hoping this time it isn’t a “lesson to be learned” reason… I had a lot going for me in the place that I left. I had a decent job, with another awesome job offer that was too little too late, good friends, a love life, I knew where I could get the best deals in town, I had the hook-up at multiple bars and restaurants, I was closer to my friends and family that I had to travel a bit of a distance to see, life was good.

BUT.. for some reason, I like to make everything complicated. So I decided to take a risk, step out of my comfort zone, sail away from the safe harbor… whatever you want to call it, I did that. Now reality is setting in as I have traveled and done everything I wanted to do before finding a job and settling in my new area of residence. It’s only been a few days since I’ve been back, but I did apply for some jobs before I left, and I applied for about seven more yesterday. I am hoping one of the better ones pulls through. Ya know, it’s a little discouraging when you went through an arduous 5 years of school to get that piece of paper that says your capable of doing work.. yet the jobs you want to apply to now require additional schooling, certifications, at least three years experience and the list goes on…. maybe I’m complaining too much, but this is getting a bit ridiculous. I can’t even believe it’s reality. However, it’s not time to worry yet. So I will keep my head up, and my hopes up.. and I will take every opportunity that awaits with an open mind, because that is all I really can do. 😉

Love ❤


Sometimes, in order to understand a situation it’s best to walk away and come back later, refreshed.

Surprisingly, I made it back to Michigan around 1am this morning. I say “surprisingly” because 1) I was so ready to quit reality and stay in Colorado, and 2) we had a crazy storm last night that made flying a bit intense. It was pretty cool though. Flying at night is so much better. Especially seeing the sunset from up above, it is so peaceful. When looking out one side of windows on the plane, the sky was a deep blue atop a burnt orange, with an all black landscape. Looking out the opposite side, it was pitch black but when you looked down, you could see all the cities lit up. It was beautiful!

I met some cool people at the airport and on the plane as well. It was nice because we were all going back home to the same city, so it was cool to get to know some people I may run into at some point. The last half hour of the flight was crazy. We drove right into the storm, and all you could see was darkness, then when the lightning struck- you saw the giant cloud we were driving through, and the red and green flashing lights on the wings of the plane. It was like being on a high speed rollercoaster ride at some horror-themed amusement park. The turbulence was so bad at one point that there was a loud BANG, and the whole plane tilted. I thought we were going down that time, everyone on the plane screamed and held on for dear life. We continued to blaze through the stomach-dropping clouds and the lightning, and finally busted out into clear skies and landed safely. The drive home was another story- just as intense.

I had a great experience on my trip, it was something I really needed. I was feeling pretty down for multiple reasons before I left.. but hiking through the mountains and simply just being away from everyone and everything, in an unfamiliar place was an absolute necessity. Being away helped me to realize what I find most important. Rather than over-thinking and complicating things, I was able to just feel. What I felt is what I decided is important to me. I learned where my mind wanders when I gave it a rest from over-analyzing every situation. I learned a lot about myself, and others.

I accomplished most of the things I had hoped to accomplish on my lustful itch for a “roadtrip.” I became friends with strangers. I learned someone’s story. I had meaningful conversations. I was spontaneous. I maintained a healthy diet. I did what I wanted for once, by myself, and that felt great. Overall, it was an amazing trip and I can’t wait to go back! Oh, and I have to mention the friends I stayed with were the best! Their hospitality was great. They took such good care of me- making dinner, providing alcohol, driving through crazy backed-up six lane traffic to get me to the airport.. and I would be so happy to return the favor for them one day. They will be receiving a gift in the mail very shortly for being so amazing 🙂

Until we meet again, Love to all ❤



Colorado Love

2015-06-17 12.58.112015-06-15 09.38.162015-06-16 21.00.38

Colorado has been amazing so far. Aside from the fact that I missed my flight, therefore a day was knocked off from my trip, everything has been great! The very day I arrived we went on a hike! We’ve been all over the place exploring the mountains. It’s a beautiful place to be.

A few things I’ve learned since I’ve been here: you can’t buy beer in a grocery store, well you can.. but it’s less alcoholic. People are very friendly, they always smile and say hello. I think I’ve only ran into one person with an attitude so far in 5 days, that’s a good sign! There are a lot of lesbians out here. People are very open minded (at least in the parts I’ve been to), and they seem  down-to-earth. People in general seem to be healthier. They stay active, and I’ve noticed a lot of people are conscious of what they put into their bodies. They seem to have a deep appreciation for nature and everything it has to offer. Money isn’t the main thing on everyone’s mind, living your life the way you want seems more important. The weather is sort of like Michigan but better (one minute it’s sunshine and clear skies the next it’s a thunderstorm for about a half hr). That being said, this is my kind of living! I have officially fallen in love with the state of CO. I haven’t been many places but I can say this is by far one of the most beautiful and peaceful places to be.

One of the highlights of my trip was going to a town called Manitou. It’s a total hippie town and I loved every aspect of it! The shops, the view, the people, the person playing a washboard…. it was wonderful.

So the entire landscape is beautiful, but the part that really wins it all are the people. I appreciate that everyone I’ve met/seen seem to be very comfortable with who they are and they will flaunt their authenticity which is something I highly value. Every person is unique, and out here, people seem to be very accepting of that notion, and very proud to express themselves the way they are. I guarantee if you were to come out here and try to make a life for yourself, you would easily find your group of people that you enjoy being around, you would fit in, and you would be happy!

With love from Colorado…


Finding happiness in the deep sea of adversity


The problem with being open and honest with friends is that things change. One minute you’re pouring your heart out about a situation, and the next that situation has done a complete 360 with every degree being different. My problem is, I’m a people pleaser. I like to fill my friends in, because it helps to talk about life. However, when things change, you may look like a walking contradiction. I really don’t like when people contradict themselves. Therefore, when I feel I have contradicted something, I feel I must explain myself.. and it’s exhausting.

The truth is.. it still won’t do any good. You explain everything and then your friends probably have their own opinion, in which they may not share with you. The trouble here is that, just when you think you have someone figured out, they turn around and do something that violates your opinion. The trouble is, I don’t even know myself.. so I would like to think the people around me don’t believe they have me all figured out. The people I choose to surround myself with are honest, open-minded, and non-judgmental people. They understand that one is no more ‘superior’ than the other, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. That being said, I can only hope they never lose their integrity, and I don’t believe they will.

There is a reason things happen the way they do. But when one thing is said, and the next time you talk things are completely different, try to remember that life goes on. The tables are always turning. It’s impossible to fill someone in on every waking moment of your life and I don’t think anyone even cares to know all that. If anything you just hear the highlights, some issues they may be facing, and maybe some of their thoughts they’ve been having. Just know that it’s not the whole story, and as much as you think you’ve uncovered… well, let’s just say there’s still an ocean waiting to be discovered.

This is why it is important to focus on understanding yourself. Because no one understands you better than yourself, and you are the only one that controls your happiness. Stop trying to please others, because they will never fully understand the battles you face. They only know what you decide to tell them, and even then things are changing. So what do you truly want? No one can answer that but yourself. Friends give great advice, but they can never understand the way you feel. So do what makes you happy.. even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, as long as it makes sense to you that’s all that matters.



I have been realizing some things lately that don’t quite make sense at the moment. How can all the parts of something be flawed, but still work perfectly? ..And why would one throw it away if it still works? On the surface everything appears to be fine, but inside there’s a struggle. A struggle even the host cannot understand, all they know is ‘something’s’ missing. Something’s not right, and it’s time to be set free. No matter how much you want to hold on, it’s not fair. It’s selfish. I’ve never been one to just completely let go of something that has had a significant impact on my life. Things will never be the same, but I will remain hopeful. That’s all I can do. I’m waking up only to realize, this was all a wonderful dream.. but that’s it. There’s no fairy-tale ending.