Irony

In the midst of scrolling through news feeds, checking the actual news, and turning on the TV.. it has just now come to my attention that America has problems (sarcasm). Problems that date back so long ago, it’s astounding that they still have yet to be resolved. Activists everywhere pour their heart and soul into the issues they feel most passionate about. They get satisfying feedback- positive and negative.. but who are they targeting, and is anyone actually listening?

I’m a firm believer that an “issue” only becomes an “issue” because someone created the “issue.” Take racism for example, I know this is a conflicting subject that everyone at least has an opinion on, if not strong feelings toward. The word itself gets some people fired up right away. Everyone knows the history on the roots of racism. It’s obvious that we still see racism today, just maybe not as apparent as it used to be. The world has come a long way in working together to make life a little more peaceful for all.

I will say that some people really do not give a flying fuck what your skin color is. At least the way I see it, you can be black, brown, yellow, orange, purple, or white.. I do not care. If you are a decent, genuine person.. you have my full support in anything you try to accomplish. If you are an asshole to me, I usually just turn the other cheek and forget about it.. because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Every now and then you may catch me on a bad day and I’ll have an attitude back. Everyone has bad days. Everyone.

Now days we have people who LOVE to play games. The blame game… The “he said/she said…” Apparently anything that is taken offensively is racist if it is a discrepancy between opposite skin tones. There are people who say things like “boo hoo, there’s no historical pattern of your race being discriminated against, get over it” or “that was so long ago that our ancestors abused your basic human rights, get over it.. we’re different.” You can say “history repeats itself” but you know what.. why aren’t people saying “we have the opportunity to create history??” POSITIVE history at that. Why is it always twisting statements around and putting words into other people’s mouths in order to suit your own spiteful agenda? Will we ever be able to have a civil conversation on what can be done to change the current issue, or will we always just conform to segregation and discrimination based on “history?”

Like I said, there’s not an issue until one is created. I honestly believe social media.. or media in general, just contributes to the problem in this scenario. If anything, the media is an instigator. An article is put out for everyone to read. However, half the people are not reading the article, they are only reading the comments. They are then fired up and fueled with rage based on one comment they read and disagreed with. They pick that comment out all of them to reply, and the cycle of hate and discrimination continues. That’s why I ask.. can racism ever really be ‘solved?’ Right now, in all honesty I think it comes down to “the majority” are sick of being called racists and their questionable actions being judged and characterized as “racist or non-racist,” and I think “minorities” are sick of constantly feeling victimized, and like they are not being heard, so they speak louder. Many have good intentions, but when they come together, we put our guards up, pull out our weapons, and resolve nothing. Racism is not the only issue we face, this is obvious. So tell me, what should our main focus be right now?

Feel free to share your opinions. Tell me where I’m wrong, or where I’m right. Enlighten me on what needs to be understood, or forgotten. I want to hear what you have to say, but my challenge to you is to keep it civil, speak from love.. not hatred.

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Earth

Thank you,

For being the foundation under my feet

.. Even when I feel like I’m buried six feet deep.

Thank you,

For always providing the resources I need

.. One day, a future generation may not be so lucky 😦

Thank you,

For being so beautiful,

For always listening,

and even sometimes responding.

The universe works in mysterious ways, but I know that it’s always on my side.

❤ Namaste ❤

^^This thought came to me as I was ending my meditation today. It felt great to say “I’m back.” For awhile I was struggling with depression- something we ALL go through every now and again. My anxiety was through the roof. It was terrible. I had discontinued my normal routine of exercise/yoga/meditation and relaxation for awhile due to some major changes in my life. I knew that if I returned to this routine I could be happy again, but it was hard to even find the motivation to actually do it. At first, I started back up with the meditation. But before every meditation I would think to my higher self “Please just help me. Please guide me in the right direction. Please give me some sort of insight on what to do.” I think I was too eager at first, I desired that insight and creativity that once came to me during each meditation so badly, that it was overpowering. Finally, I took a step back and let the magic happen. I’m starting to feel okay again.

It’s so easy to lose yourself, but it can be very hard to find yourself again. But it IS possible, and it’s important to remember that, no matter how impossible it may seem at the time.. no matter how alone you may feel. Even though people tell you you’re not alone, there’s nothing one can say to take you out of the negative mindset that you feel trapped in. Just keep telling yourself that you do not have to stay in that dark place. You don’t have to stay, but it’s up to you to find your way out. Days may seem like weeks, weeks feel like an eternity.. just stay calm, and try to stay positive. Those positive thoughts will eventually add up, and the positive activities will eventually lead you back to your happiness. Everything will fall into place, no matter how much you want to believe they won’t this time, and you just want to give up.. don’t. When you give up, you lose. There are always going to be ups and downs, when your down it’s important you remember how to get back up. Take a look at the people/things/world around you. Everyone/Everything has a struggle, only those who are strong enough actually get through it. You are strong enough. You are human, the only thing that makes you weak is your own ego telling you that you can’t do it. No matter how weak you feel, continue to push yourself to go that extra mile. In the end, you’ll be glad you did. There’s always something to look forward to, even if it’s something as simple as the sun shining through your window. Think about the way it makes you feel, and hold on to that.

Can we learn to love again? When the sun and moon collide

 

When it comes to love, none of us know what we are doing. That is a fact. I don’t claim to be an expert either, but we all have our philosophies we like to live by. Everywhere we look we are surrounded by messages of love- some not as apparent as others, but the message is still there. So why is it so hard to love? Shouldn’t that be the one thing in life that comes naturally? The one thing in life that’s easy?

I think we’ve all learned one way or another- most likely the hard way, that love is something that holds tremendous power over us all. We all know that losing someone dear to our hearts is one of the toughest pain to endure- whether it is a break-up, or the death of a close friend or family member. Yet we still can’t quite get it right when we are lucky enough to be given “second chances.” Most of us love ourselves unconditionally, so why is it so hard to extend that love to another human being? We are able to easily speak the words “I love you,” but I don’t think any of us really have a clue as to what we are actually saying.

Continue reading “Can we learn to love again? When the sun and moon collide”

Desire runs deep, betrayal runs deeper.

“When we seek the gaze of another it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person we have become. It isn’t so much that we are looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self.” -Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved (Ted Talks, download the app if you don’t already have it)!!

WOW! My mind has been a complete tangled up mess the past couple of months. I have a few posts saved in my drafts that I never actually published because they were very personal, and too depressing. So much has happened I just needed a place to put my thoughts so I wouldn’t go insane. Things are starting to sort themselves out, now that there are no more secrets.

All I have to say is.. infidelity is one area you never want to find yourself in. It’s like a run-down neighborhood. It just looks sketchy from the outside, but once you put yourself in that town.. it all goes downhill from there. Luckily, there is an exit sign nearby and you just have to run as fast as you can to get to it. Although it may seem like you are running as fast as you can and you are getting absolutely nowhere, soon enough you will be so far from that town, and you will never have to look back.

Infidelity is a very controversial topic. Now days, people have so much pride that they convince themselves they don’t have to be part of that relationship once the going gets tough. They don’t have to feel the emotional pain of being hurt. This is the era where we feel that we deserve to be happy, which can be a problem on both sides of that deceptive looking fence.

For the deceiver (aka the cheater), most people assume they had some evil agenda and that they don’t give a shit about hurting the other person. But, contrary to what you may believe.. that is hardly the case. At least not in this situation, and I now believe that is not the case in many situations. There are many reasons people stray- and that reason mostly comes down to desire. It could be they are seeking desire for attention, affection, to bring back a feeling that they thought was no longer there.. that they thought they’d never feel again, to feel important, desire for mystery, novelty, excitement.. the list goes on.

I’m not saying these “reasons” make it okay to cheat. I’m saying, before you go and completely cut someone out of your life, maybe you should try to understand why they did it.. and then decide whether you want to go on hating them, or perhaps turn a crisis into an opportunity.

The deceived- the truth is, no matter what your (ex) lover tells you, you will not believe a word they say. You want to think the worst, you want to hate them because they threatened your entire sense of trust, they threatened your emotional security. Nothing they say will make it better because you absolutely cannot fathom how someone could do this to someone they love. It is simply unforgivable, and often it is left at that.

But this does no good- for either party. Because the truth is, the “deceiver” may not have had the intention of cheating. They may not have even been looking. But for some reason, the predator and prey come face to face. From there, things go the way neither of them had planned. This leaves the unfaithful one with immense feelings of guilt, anxiety, depression, confusion, apathy, and worst of all- fear.

On the other side of the fence is their loved one. They find out what happens and immediately they are crushed. They react with anger, hostility, hatred, and also with fear. They lash out, they think they must hurt the other person so that the other person can feel what they are feeling, so that they know the pain they have caused. But all they are doing is opening up old wounds, while inflicting more pain on themselves.

Both people suffer. It is a death by a thousand cuts. The deceiver swears they will never make this mistake again. Because they never want to feel, or for anyone else to feel this pain. This one incident will now haunt them for the rest of their lives. For the deceiver- they will feel they can never love again, because they simply don’t deserve to be loved. They deserve every bad thing that comes their way. They feel they deserve no respect or even have to right to demand respect. If they ever did love again, how would this one mistake affect their future relationship? The past will now always interfere.

On the bright side, for the one who was deceived.. they will be able to learn, and grow. They will be able to love again. It may be hard at first but it is possible. Their past won’t interfere with their future in such a negative way. Yes, they may have trust issues.. but they won’t have to feel the burden of being the one who ripped the trust away in the first place.

The unfaithful one, they were unfaithful once.. that doesn’t mean they are going to do it again. They crossed a line that they never intended to cross, and they feel completely and utterly sorry. They feel terrible all on their own without the help of outsiders making sure they feel terrible. They know what they did was wrong. They know that it was the worst mistake they could’ve ever made, but it happened.. and as much as they want to take it back, they can’t.

To the deceiver: The most important thing about it all is that you learned from it. That you make a commitment to yourself to never let it happen again. Because now you no, no matter how right it may feel at the time, it is not worth it. Not at all. Now it is time to accept that the damage has been done, and now you must do everything you possibly can to fix it.

You must realize, it’s not too late for you. You can make a change. You can remind yourself of your morals and values once more.. and tell yourself, this time you are not going to break them, you can only strengthen them. Not for your significant other, not for your family, or their family, or any of your friends.. but for yourself.

Step away from the people who are constantly trying to bring you down because you made one mistake that you know you are sorry for. You are feeling low enough, you don’t need that extra negativity to bring you down further. Surround yourself with those who continue to support you in this confusing, awful time.. those who give you unconditional love. It’s okay for them to admit what you did was wrong, and you didn’t make a good decision, but it’s important that they remember who you always have been, and always will be regardless of that rough patch in your life.

Most importantly, remember that you are capable of resiliency. You’ve gone through so much in your life, what’s one more obstacle? You’ve made achievements, you’ve been successful at some point in life. You are capable of loving again. We are all capable of love. We all deserve a fresh start.. “A world without love is a deadly place” – Helen Fisher.

One last quote:

“The hardest task one can have is to continue to love one’s fellows despite all reasons he should not. And the true sign of sanity and greatness is to so continue. For the one who can achieve this, there is abundant hope. For those who cannot, there is only sorrow, hatred and despair. And these are not the things of which greatness, or sanity or happiness are made. A primary trap is to succumb to invitations to hate…

When cruelty in the name of discipline dominates a race, that race has been taught to hate. And that race is doomed. The real lesson is to learn to love” – L. Hubbard

A note to the one who was deceived: You should know, your project hasn’t failed. You have changed the life of another without even realizing how much of an impact you hold on them. They will never forget you. The lessons you taught were a blessing. The most important one was looking past the external pressures of society and finding the beauty within each and every thing. Your drive, intelligence, and understanding are your most admirable traits, and anyone would be lucky to have you.

Ramblings

Alright interviews! I’m ready for ya. Companies can start calling my phone aaaannnyyyy time now.The hardest part about moving to a new town and not knowing anyone is finding a decent job, or better yet.. a career. When I came to college years ago it took me my entire freshman year to find a job. I tried and tried, but 1) I wasn’t even 18 yet and 2) everywhere I applied required “experience.” Such an ugly word- experience. Fast forward 6 years to college graduation, working a part time job to get experience, and finally making the ultimate decision to take a leap of faith and leave everything I knew behind for something new, something I had hoped would bring more opportunity. And here I sit, typing on this keyboard, just passing time until something comes along. I haven’t lost faith yet. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m just hoping this time it isn’t a “lesson to be learned” reason… I had a lot going for me in the place that I left. I had a decent job, with another awesome job offer that was too little too late, good friends, a love life, I knew where I could get the best deals in town, I had the hook-up at multiple bars and restaurants, I was closer to my friends and family that I had to travel a bit of a distance to see, life was good.

BUT.. for some reason, I like to make everything complicated. So I decided to take a risk, step out of my comfort zone, sail away from the safe harbor… whatever you want to call it, I did that. Now reality is setting in as I have traveled and done everything I wanted to do before finding a job and settling in my new area of residence. It’s only been a few days since I’ve been back, but I did apply for some jobs before I left, and I applied for about seven more yesterday. I am hoping one of the better ones pulls through. Ya know, it’s a little discouraging when you went through an arduous 5 years of school to get that piece of paper that says your capable of doing work.. yet the jobs you want to apply to now require additional schooling, certifications, at least three years experience and the list goes on…. maybe I’m complaining too much, but this is getting a bit ridiculous. I can’t even believe it’s reality. However, it’s not time to worry yet. So I will keep my head up, and my hopes up.. and I will take every opportunity that awaits with an open mind, because that is all I really can do. 😉

Love ❤

Sometimes, in order to understand a situation it’s best to walk away and come back later, refreshed.

Surprisingly, I made it back to Michigan around 1am this morning. I say “surprisingly” because 1) I was so ready to quit reality and stay in Colorado, and 2) we had a crazy storm last night that made flying a bit intense. It was pretty cool though. Flying at night is so much better. Especially seeing the sunset from up above, it is so peaceful. When looking out one side of windows on the plane, the sky was a deep blue atop a burnt orange, with an all black landscape. Looking out the opposite side, it was pitch black but when you looked down, you could see all the cities lit up. It was beautiful!

I met some cool people at the airport and on the plane as well. It was nice because we were all going back home to the same city, so it was cool to get to know some people I may run into at some point. The last half hour of the flight was crazy. We drove right into the storm, and all you could see was darkness, then when the lightning struck- you saw the giant cloud we were driving through, and the red and green flashing lights on the wings of the plane. It was like being on a high speed rollercoaster ride at some horror-themed amusement park. The turbulence was so bad at one point that there was a loud BANG, and the whole plane tilted. I thought we were going down that time, everyone on the plane screamed and held on for dear life. We continued to blaze through the stomach-dropping clouds and the lightning, and finally busted out into clear skies and landed safely. The drive home was another story- just as intense.

I had a great experience on my trip, it was something I really needed. I was feeling pretty down for multiple reasons before I left.. but hiking through the mountains and simply just being away from everyone and everything, in an unfamiliar place was an absolute necessity. Being away helped me to realize what I find most important. Rather than over-thinking and complicating things, I was able to just feel. What I felt is what I decided is important to me. I learned where my mind wanders when I gave it a rest from over-analyzing every situation. I learned a lot about myself, and others.

I accomplished most of the things I had hoped to accomplish on my lustful itch for a “roadtrip.” I became friends with strangers. I learned someone’s story. I had meaningful conversations. I was spontaneous. I maintained a healthy diet. I did what I wanted for once, by myself, and that felt great. Overall, it was an amazing trip and I can’t wait to go back! Oh, and I have to mention the friends I stayed with were the best! Their hospitality was great. They took such good care of me- making dinner, providing alcohol, driving through crazy backed-up six lane traffic to get me to the airport.. and I would be so happy to return the favor for them one day. They will be receiving a gift in the mail very shortly for being so amazing 🙂

Until we meet again, Love to all ❤

co3

Colorado Love

2015-06-17 12.58.112015-06-15 09.38.162015-06-16 21.00.38

Colorado has been amazing so far. Aside from the fact that I missed my flight, therefore a day was knocked off from my trip, everything has been great! The very day I arrived we went on a hike! We’ve been all over the place exploring the mountains. It’s a beautiful place to be.

A few things I’ve learned since I’ve been here: you can’t buy beer in a grocery store, well you can.. but it’s less alcoholic. People are very friendly, they always smile and say hello. I think I’ve only ran into one person with an attitude so far in 5 days, that’s a good sign! There are a lot of lesbians out here. People are very open minded (at least in the parts I’ve been to), and they seem  down-to-earth. People in general seem to be healthier. They stay active, and I’ve noticed a lot of people are conscious of what they put into their bodies. They seem to have a deep appreciation for nature and everything it has to offer. Money isn’t the main thing on everyone’s mind, living your life the way you want seems more important. The weather is sort of like Michigan but better (one minute it’s sunshine and clear skies the next it’s a thunderstorm for about a half hr). That being said, this is my kind of living! I have officially fallen in love with the state of CO. I haven’t been many places but I can say this is by far one of the most beautiful and peaceful places to be.

One of the highlights of my trip was going to a town called Manitou. It’s a total hippie town and I loved every aspect of it! The shops, the view, the people, the person playing a washboard…. it was wonderful.

So the entire landscape is beautiful, but the part that really wins it all are the people. I appreciate that everyone I’ve met/seen seem to be very comfortable with who they are and they will flaunt their authenticity which is something I highly value. Every person is unique, and out here, people seem to be very accepting of that notion, and very proud to express themselves the way they are. I guarantee if you were to come out here and try to make a life for yourself, you would easily find your group of people that you enjoy being around, you would fit in, and you would be happy!

With love from Colorado…

The Adventure Begins!

And now…. the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Jk. I wasn’t really going to post much about this trip since things backfired and I had to come up with a new plan, but I am SUPER excited now, so a few posts won’t hurt.

A few months ago I was posting about a roadtrip I would be taking this month out west with a friend. We had a whole route planned and I was starting to ‘roughly’ plan some things I wanted to see/do. Well my friend backed out, which I sort of assumed would happen, so here I am living out the trip by myself. Oh well. I was pretty bummed at first but, life happens and you just gotta accept it and move on.

So, the long.. amazing.. super awesome roadtrip has been postponed. Instead, I have decided to take a flight to Colorado and visit a friend for a little over a week. I have never flown before, so this is still an exciting new experience in itself. I have also never been to Colorado, or out west in general. I am pumped. 6 hours until I have to wake up and drive to the airport. 10 hours until I board my flight. 13 hours until I arrive in Denver where I will meet my friend whom I haven’t seen in three years, and 14-15 hours until we arrive at her place in the springs! They have a BBQ planned for tomorrow night. Good people, drinks, and food in the mountains. Now that’s a great way to start a vacation 🙂

Next post will be from Colorado!!!!

(oh and shout out to my awesome dad for waking up at 2:30 am with me and driving me to the airport!!! 😀 )

Something like a Disney movie.

This is the story of a girl, who once belonged to the world. Until one day, she was deceived. Consumed with desire, her ego said to her “it’s okay, do as you please, you deserve this.” Little did she know, that seemingly innocent feeling, and that innocent looking fruit she was dying to eat, was full of poisonous seeds from the tree which it grew upon. Simply taking one bite of the fruit would taint her entire treekbeing. But she was hardened from the world she lived in, mostly from the seven people she surrounded herself by that she found so important. So, without thinking much of it, she bit into the fruit. Suddenly the world around her started to fall apart. The very foundation she stood upon began to crumble. Her splendor and beauty dominated with age. She began to lose strength, but there was no mercy. She had lost her balance and finally, she lost consciousness.

Her soul needed a spark, something that could ignite her energy once again. Something pure, something that could be transformed from bad to good. She lay there hopeless. Until one day, a fire came. It consumed the earth with it’s brightness and heat. But once it reached the water, the earth began to cool. Night had come, the moon took control over the tides, and the fire was finally polarized to where it belonged. Miraculously, in the midst of chaos, a man carrying a sword had come along. When he saw how beautiful she was as she lay there, he knew just what he had to do, and he gave her a kiss.

All of the sudden, the life started flowing through her veins again and as a shiver traveled up her spine, her face lit up, and she awoke. After regaining her consciousness, she remembered the dream she had. She dreamt of her soul rising out of her body, she was in a dimension where she had complete self-control, and it was pure bliss. She learned things she had never even considered to be possible. The only time she was scared was when she allowed herself to be afraid. Once she learned she could control her fear, she could do anything she desired. Within that dream she kept hearing the phrase “As within, so without” and she learned that through her thoughts and emotions, she could project into a world where she could live the greatest, most positive experience possible. She no longer had the desire to eat that fruit, now that she was awake. All the stars had aligned as she felt balanced once again, and she lived happily ever-after.

union

Finding happiness in the deep sea of adversity

ghost

The problem with being open and honest with friends is that things change. One minute you’re pouring your heart out about a situation, and the next that situation has done a complete 360 with every degree being different. My problem is, I’m a people pleaser. I like to fill my friends in, because it helps to talk about life. However, when things change, you may look like a walking contradiction. I really don’t like when people contradict themselves. Therefore, when I feel I have contradicted something, I feel I must explain myself.. and it’s exhausting.

The truth is.. it still won’t do any good. You explain everything and then your friends probably have their own opinion, in which they may not share with you. The trouble here is that, just when you think you have someone figured out, they turn around and do something that violates your opinion. The trouble is, I don’t even know myself.. so I would like to think the people around me don’t believe they have me all figured out. The people I choose to surround myself with are honest, open-minded, and non-judgmental people. They understand that one is no more ‘superior’ than the other, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. That being said, I can only hope they never lose their integrity, and I don’t believe they will.

There is a reason things happen the way they do. But when one thing is said, and the next time you talk things are completely different, try to remember that life goes on. The tables are always turning. It’s impossible to fill someone in on every waking moment of your life and I don’t think anyone even cares to know all that. If anything you just hear the highlights, some issues they may be facing, and maybe some of their thoughts they’ve been having. Just know that it’s not the whole story, and as much as you think you’ve uncovered… well, let’s just say there’s still an ocean waiting to be discovered.

This is why it is important to focus on understanding yourself. Because no one understands you better than yourself, and you are the only one that controls your happiness. Stop trying to please others, because they will never fully understand the battles you face. They only know what you decide to tell them, and even then things are changing. So what do you truly want? No one can answer that but yourself. Friends give great advice, but they can never understand the way you feel. So do what makes you happy.. even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, as long as it makes sense to you that’s all that matters.